


how much can you change and get away with

by stellahibernis



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Captain America: The First Avenger, Communication Failure, Established Relationship, M/M, World War II, but they talk later, complicated feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-04 04:55:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20465360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellahibernis/pseuds/stellahibernis
Summary: The Howling Commandos have won their first successes, but not everything is right between Steve and Bucky. After another victory Steve finally asks what is going on, and the answer given in the heat of the moment creates a breach between them, leaving him questioning the very foundation of their relationship.





	how much can you change and get away with

There was a slight drizzle coming down from the miserably grey sky, not helping at all with the already muddy road they were marching along. Steve didn’t mind so much; it wasn’t fun to have the mud stick to his shoes, or to accidentally step into some deeper basin and get soaked up to ankle, not to mention they were all pretty much coated by the stuff by now, but it was still a novelty that the conditions didn’t slow him down much at all. He could carry a much heavier pack than the rest of his team members and still be less tired by the evening, he could walk mile after mile and never falter in his pace. He didn’t even suffer from the rain either, he did notice it was a bit chilly, but it wasn’t something that mattered anymore when it came to his ability to function.

Sometimes, especially when they had a lot of ground to cover through a relatively safe environment, he found himself dropping into a steady pace, and sometimes even quickening it without noticing. He figured it was because he was still in the habit of walking fast he’d had to cultivate when his legs had been shorter. Whenever it happened Bucky grabbed a hold of his pack, reminding him that he was moving too fast for the team to comfortably keep up. Bucky never fell behind, never complained of being tired, even though he was thinner than he had been in New York even during the leanest times they’d faced during the recession, even though the shadows under his eyes appeared to be permanent these days.

Sometimes Steve wondered if he should have suggested Bucky he should take the discharge he’d been offered, but in truth he knew it would have been futile. It wasn’t a secret that Bucky didn’t really want to be there on the front, no matter how good he was at what he did, but it was the sensible sort of aversion rather than fear. He didn’t want to be there because it was horrible, but his decision to stay was made based on other things. He knew this was a war that needed to be won, and he’d enlisted because he’d considered it his duty. He wouldn’t go home now, nor would he take any other assignment, not as long as Steve was going after Hydra.

They came to a dense patch of trees where the rain didn’t reach the ground, so Steve ordered a short break. They were making a good time, and it would be better to arrive at the designated recovery area as close to the appointed time as possible, so that the risk of someone stumbling on them while they waited would be smaller. Steve wasn’t too worried, because just the fact that Howard was coming to get them meant it must be relatively safe. If the brass had thought the area was infested with enemies they never would have taken the risk of letting their weapon supplier fly in. As things stood, it was nice to not have to walk all the way to the coast. Steve shook his head, pushing the thought of getting back to London away, because as far as they knew, things could still change, and they might have to find their way out by themselves after all.

They had cold rations again. Those had only one thing going for them; that they took away the edge of hunger, but by now they didn’t care one bit. After a couple of days in London things would be different, they’d inevitably complain about the rations when they set out again, but right now it was enough to have something that went down and didn’t make them sick. At least Steve would now be able to report back that they’d finally found the adequate amount of food that carried him through the activity. He was still hungry a lot of the time during the marches, but so was everyone else, and it no longer felt like there was a gnawing pit inside him like it had during their first mission out. He’d been able to perform until they were back, but had been almost faint with hunger after they were safe and he could allow himself to relax. This time he knew he’d be able to eat about five square meals one after another, but he felt fine, there was no effort needed to keep his focus on the mission.

After he’d eaten Steve spoke with everyone in the team, making sure they were doing okay and that none of them had any injuries that had gotten worse. They’d received some bumps and bruises earlier when they hit the Hydra base, but nothing serious, and it seemed that even now that the nerves wound up by the battle were getting loosened no one had found they’d been hurt more than they’d initially noticed. Knowing this, Steve was confident they’d make good time on the last stretch to the recovery point, no need to alter the plan. At the end of the break he distributed his cigarette rations around, since he didn’t really need them even when he didn’t mind a quiet smoke occasionally. On the field they did more good when given to others.

In addition to no aggravated injuries, the mood was generally high even though they still needed to make their way back, because this was their second mission and second success, another Hydra base out of use. They were getting to a point where they’d gelled together and worked effortlessly, and Steve was gratified to be certain now that he’d been right not only about their skills complementing each other, but their personalities as well. There was an occasional argument, but nothing that left permanent rifts.

The only person Steve worried about was Bucky. Not of his performance, because he’d done everything needed, as Steve had known he would, but there was definitely something weighing on him, more than his general mood of not wanting to be there. He alone didn’t seem to feel any elation due to their success, but Steve hoped it was just that as the second in command he felt it was his responsibility to make sure they’d get away safely. Steve hoped Bucky’s dark mood would dissipate once they were back across the Channel.

He considered for a moment asking about it, but ended up deciding not to, even though that too worried him, albeit only on a personal level. They worked together as well as Steve could ever have hoped, but he couldn’t help but feel like there was a barrier now between them. Before they’d parted for the last time in New York, Steve had never hesitated talking to Bucky, had never hesitated bringing up things, not even when it had been something he’d known they wouldn’t agree on. He’d always known it didn’t matter in the big picture if they disagreed, their bond had always been strong enough to last arguments. He’d always felt he knew Bucky, knew his moods and his thoughts.

Nowadays he wasn’t so sure it was true anymore. Not for lack of trying, he attempted to be as much of a friend as he’d ever been, but Bucky kept withdrawing into himself. It probably wasn’t very perceptible to anyone else, but Steve could feel it, and it made him hesitate trying to push through the silences the way he would have before. They were both different now, and he wondered if Bucky’s experiences and his time as a prisoner, if the fact that every cell of Steve’s body had been overhauled, meant they couldn’t get back to the kind of closeness they’d shared, of minds and bodies.

Steve still wanted to, but their interactions made it a very real possibility Bucky felt differently now.

* * *

They made it to the designated area in time to do a sweep to make sure the ground actually allowed the plane to land, and that there were no hostiles or other surprises around. Everything checked out, so when Howard radioed in they could give him an all clear. When he landed it turned out it wasn’t just him on board, but Peggy also. Steve wanted to chide her for putting herself in danger just to come pick them up, but didn’t. He knew it wouldn’t be appreciated, and he’d noticed that while a lot of people respected her and appreciated her skills, there were also those who treated her much like Steve himself had been treated before the serum. Hence, he tried to not do or say anything to her that would have irritated him back then, although he did rather have a new appreciation for Bucky’s patience, considering Peggy at least could handle herself better than Steve had ever been able to.

They got in fast, Howard barely waiting for them to have sat down before he took off again. Steve hadn’t much cared for flying to start with, but he was at least getting used to the noise and occasional bumpiness. He also appreciated the speed, even when he was well aware flying wasn’t the safest method of getting around.

Steve passed Peggy the files they’d found at the base. Once again, most of them had been incinerated, they’d found an oven filled with charred paper, but they’d been efficient enough that they’d managed to salvage something at least. He sat next to her and answered all her questions. He’d still need to do an official debrief, but talking to Peggy now and letting her pass things along to Colonel Phillips first would make it more efficient.

Whenever Peggy was reading instead of talking with him, Steve kept an eye on the team. They were joking and laughing, relaxed because the only thing they had to worry about for now was something going wrong with the plane, and since it wasn’t something they had any power over, clearly they’d decided to ignore it. Bucky was still the exception, keeping to himself and frowning so much that Steve could tell the others were also noticing it, even though Bucky pretended to be busy with his gear. Steve hoped it just meant Bucky was decompressing from the mission, even though it was starting to feel like he was making excuses inside his head. He decided he should try and talk to Bucky as soon as possible.

Once they’d safely landed and were headed for the Jeeps to take them back to command center, Steve fell in step with Bucky.

“Nice to get back to actual showers and beds,” he said smiling, but Bucky stayed glum.

“I suppose so.”

All the others were walking a little distance ahead of them, and Steve decided he might as well try and probe a bit now rather than wait for later, so he lowered his voice. “What’s going on? What’s got you so down? We’ve been doing well with the team and the assignments.”

Bucky stopped in his tracks, blinking at Steve before shaking his head. When he spoke, it was also in a lowered voice, but from the cadence it was easy to tell he was annoyed at the very least, perhaps truly angry. “Doing well? Yes, sure. Just, Steve, you were supposed to be safe, you had it all in New York. I wanted to not worry about you like this.”

Steve could see from the corner of his eye that the others had stopped and were now looking at them, even when they were keeping the distance, but what they might think suddenly didn’t matter at all. His ears were ringing with Bucky’s words; not only with what he’d said, but also things he hadn’t spoken out loud but that Steve had heard nonetheless.

He didn’t raise his voice only because they’d lived in apartments with thin walls for so long that whispered arguments were now second nature. “And what, I was supposed to stay back and just worry about you? You would have died in that Hydra factory and I would have heard second hand from your family. Was I just supposed to accept it? To stay there and have people look at me like I was dirt in their shoe, or wonder if the next set of stairs was when my heart would finally give up and I’d be gone without ever doing anything that mattered?” Steve made himself stop, even though he had a lot more to say, but many of the things were the sort he really shouldn’t say out loud in the open like this, even when their friends were far enough to not hear.

“Steve,” Bucky said, looking stricken, “I didn’t —”

Steve shook his head and Bucky fell silent. “I just, I thought you understood,” he said, before turning around and heading for the Jeeps, drawing in breath and willing his face to not show the turmoil he was in.

The drive back was tense and quiet even when he and Bucky were in different cars. Steve spent the time wrapping what had happened tight and pushing it to the back of his mind, because he needed to be able to focus on the debrief soon enough. It wasn’t so easily done, because what he’d last said to Bucky, that he’d thought Bucky understood where he came from and what he’d been struggling with had been true, and now he had to suddenly wonder if the whole foundation of their relationship had been a lot shakier than he’d always believed. He’d need to think of what had happened, but it would take time, it was too large to sort through over the drive back, and so he sent it away as best he could for now.

* * *

Steve managed the debrief well enough, it actually helped having to focus on the details of the mission, what they’d encountered and found, and where this would lead them. As was usual, it took him a lot longer than the rest of his team, who were all gone when he was done. He found himself a dinner and a shower, and after he was in clean uniform he felt at least bolstered enough to go check on the others and give them leave papers for the next three days. It had been determined that there was no immediate need for them to go out again, and everyone thought it would be better if they used some of the time they had to wait to unwind themselves with permission rather than get in trouble because they were bored. Of course, Steve was aware the Commandos were very capable of getting in trouble even when they weren’t bored, but if they were on leave there was at least a chance for them to get out of it without him having to know.

He wasn’t on leave as of yet, he would help with going through the intelligence that had been gathered and figuring out the recent patterns of activity and where it would be most beneficial for them to head next. He was glad to know that he had something to immerse his thoughts into the next morning, because it was given a portion of his night was going to be spent staring at his ceiling, thinking.

The last time they’d been in London he’d been annoyed he’d had to stay at the officers’ quarters rather than with his team, but this time he was admittedly grateful for it, even when it did feel uncomfortably like he was running away. He knew he was a bit more brusque than usual when making sure they had everything they needed and handed out the leave permits, grinning at the whoops they received. He didn’t avoid talking to Bucky, but he could see in his peripheral vision the others were giving each other worried looks as they talked, thorough and efficient as usual, but lacking all the usual warmth and jokes. When they’d covered everything Steve felt for a moment Bucky wanted to say something, a look in his eyes suggested so, but it was gone almost as soon as it had appeared, and he took his leave.

He took a roundabout walk back, hoping that the cold air would clear his head at least, even though there was no hope that the exercise would have any effect. These days he’d need much more than just a walk to tire himself out. It didn’t really do anything for him other than solidify in his mind that they needed to sort things out with Bucky at least to a degree before their next mission. The team would be uneasy if they knew something was wrong, and no matter where they were going they would all need to have full confidence in everyone else. It put a deadline for him before which he’d need to try to talk to Bucky, but first he was going to try and sleep away at least some of the exhaustion the mission had left him with.

* * *

Steve woke up groggy in a way he hadn’t experienced since he got the serum. He wasn’t tired exactly, even though he knew he’d only slept for a few hours, and ideally would need at least one full night of sleep before the next mission to be at full readiness. This night he hadn’t even tried, because he’d known it would be futile to do anything but think of Bucky and their relationship.

He had ended up staring at the ceiling for hours, feeling mostly frustrated in the gloom of the night, because no matter how deep into his mind he dredged, he couldn’t find evidence that he’d interpreted Bucky’s intentions wrong all along. He still felt that Bucky had understood his struggles over the years and had never belittled him for them, had never thought less of him, even when objectively speaking Steve had been capable of less than most, he could admit it now.

He would have understood if it had been just fear he’d heard in Bucky’s voice when he’d said he wished Steve had never come. He knew fear made one say rash things, things that came out wrong and not like one meant them. But there’d been a thread of resentment, as if Bucky had meant Steve was stepping out of his place, and that threw him. That he couldn’t explain in the middle of the night, nor did the morning bring any further clarity the way so many sayings claimed.

He’d only managed to relax enough to sleep after he’d jerked off. He hadn’t really set out to do so, but these days he was very easily aroused, if not quite so much on a hair trigger as he’d used to be in the beginning. Thinking of Bucky and their relationship inevitably had led him to the memories of the two of them together in private, of all those precious times when they could be to each other what they truly wanted even though the world would have condemned them.

Of course, Steve didn’t know if they still wanted the same things from each other. He’d certainly thought so, up until that moment on the airstrip, even when they hadn’t actually yet managed to find a long enough window of privacy to do anything with it. Not that they’d looked that hard; ever since he’d found Bucky strapped on that table, after the first wondrous seconds when they both marveled at each other, there’d been a distance between the two of them. Steve had charted it as Bucky being uncomfortable in his skin, guarding himself, which was a natural conclusion after what he’d been through, but now Steve couldn’t be so sure anymore, and it probably made him a right bastard to be more worried that the change in behavior might be due to Bucky changing his mind rather than a result of the hardship he’d suffered.

The short walk to the HQ cleared his head enough that he could put in a whole day’s work with Peggy and some of the analysts. They had a few good leads, but nothing was decided by the end of the day, and they considered just picking out one of the Hydra bases at random, perhaps just starting with the closest one. Howard walked in just as they were wrapping up, and demanded Steve and Peggy to join him for a dinner. Steve agreed, because even with Howard’s tendency to boast, not to mention his worldview that sometimes felt completely alien to Steve due to their very different upbringings, he knew there undoubtedly would be enough distraction to keep him occupied and not thinking of what was happening between him and Bucky for a couple of hours more.

Steve actually managed to enjoy the dinner, and when they were done Peggy even allowed him to walk her back to her lodgings. Usually she didn’t, Steve knew it was because she didn’t want to be treated differently, not to mention the fact that there were already rumors of the two of them. Steve knew him walking her back was bound to put some water in the mill, which he wasn’t too thrilled about, and as far as he knew neither was she, but he also felt offering to escort her was the right thing to do, and he genuinely enjoyed her company.

In fact, he sometimes could feel the kind of flutter in his chest that told him had his heart been free he would have tried to see what could happen between him and Peggy, the way Bucky had suggested he should do during the last time they were in London. It had annoyed Steve then, funnily enough more than Bucky taking girls out back in Brooklyn ever had. He knew it stemmed at least partly from the same source, the knowledge that it was dangerous for the two of them to seek a life that was outside the norms of society. He knew some tried it, and he even knew some who appeared to have succeeded, but he suspected it only worked for people who not only knew how to be careful, but to not attract the wrong kind of attention or aggravate people who might want to get revenge. Steve had always been incapable of living like that, and now that he was Captain America, he attracted even more attention than before. Also in light of the last couple of days, he wondered if Bucky’s suggestion had also been him pushing Steve gently away, because he’d changed his mind, or because he could tell there was a potential for real feelings between him and Peggy.

Steve had always known that what he and Bucky had was as real as any relationship, but he’d also a long time ago made a peace with himself over the fact that Bucky would one day get married and he’d have to stand there and smile, never letting anyone see how it hurt. Of course, there had been the other possibility of his heart just giving up before it happened, which, selfish though it was, would have been preferable to him. Now though, if they made it through the war he wouldn’t have to worry about his health, and so he was suddenly in a position where he would have to try to make a life that looked acceptable to the public, and Bucky seemed to have already decided to push him toward it. The whole idea just felt so alien, because he’d never even considered trying to find someone else, and apparently even though he could recognize the potential between him and Peggy, his heart didn’t waver from the path it had chosen. It had latched onto Bucky a long time ago, and while Steve knew people could love more than one person, it appeared that he would at the very least have to work hard to learn to do so, if he ever could.

The reason why Peggy had allowed him to escort her became apparent when they had come a few blocks from the club and were walking down a quiet street.

“Have you spoken to Sergeant Barnes?” she asked, hesitation obvious in her voice at first, but disappeared when she continued. “He usually pops up at some point of the day even if he’s on leave and you’re not, but I didn’t see him today.”

It was true, as a rule Bucky always did either come to the HQ or waited for Steve outside, leaning against the wall and smoking, but there had been no sign of him that day. Steve was a bit irritated about it, irrational as it was, because in truth he didn’t particularly want to yet try to talk to Bucky while his thoughts and emotions were all jumbled. It did still hurt that Bucky hadn’t even tried to come to him. It was also probably hypocrisy, considering he hadn’t tried to find Bucky either, but considering the way things had gone on the airfield, historically in similar situation Bucky had usually been the first to reach out.

Peggy was looking at him every now and then, her eyes kind but sharp, as if she could sense what he was thinking. Sometimes he thought Peggy knew of him and Bucky, or if not knew, at least suspected. When he’d first had the thought, the immediate reaction had been fear, but she had never seemed put off by anything about him, or Bucky for that matter, and so if it was that she knew, then she clearly didn’t mind. She hadn’t said anything outright about it, and Steve was fairly sure she never would if he didn’t take it up first. In any case, it was obvious she understood how crucial the bond between him and Bucky was.

“I don’t know what I would say,” Steve told her. “I always thought he understood me, understood why I needed to push myself, and now I’m suddenly not sure.”

They walked for a few moments in quiet before Peggy spoke again, clearly having carefully considered what to say. “Don’t take this as a definitive, it’s just my impression without knowing what specifically was said between the two of you, but I suspect it was due to him being worried about you. That can cause someone to say things they don’t really mean deep down. Being together here is fundamentally different for the two of you, because before you went to find him, you had to worry about him being in danger, while he could rely on you being safe at home.” She clearly noticed him bristling at the idea, and as she continued, her voice was a bit exasperated. “It’s not necessarily a slight. Be honest with me, are you ever happy that some people you know and care for aren’t on the front lines?”

Steve deflated, because she was right, he did have thoughts like that, often when it came to her. She did occasionally do fieldwork, but she spent most of her time at the base these days, using her brain to craft strategies, and Steve always felt better when he knew she was relatively safe. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust her skills, it was just that he knew all too well how unpredictable things could be. It was probably like that with Bucky as well; even when there were all kinds of complications, they were still wishing for the other to be safe, and Steve could appreciate that.

“I’ll find him and talk to him tomorrow,” Steve said, without elaborating, and she didn’t seem to expect anything more from him either.

“Good. The two of you are the core of your team, and I hope you can sort things out at least partly before your next mission.”

“I know, I had already decided I needed to try, I just didn’t know where to start. I think I have a better idea now, so thank you for the advice.”

“You’re welcome,” she said, stepping up to the door of her lodgings. “Good night, Steve.”

“Goodnight, Peggy. See you in the morning.”

* * *

Steve slept much better than he had the previous night, and even though he hadn’t yet decided how exactly he would take the matter up with Bucky, he felt more at ease in the morning. His talk with Peggy had helped, it had allowed him to see more than the first conclusion he’d drawn that had, quite frankly, probably been very unfair toward Bucky since it had been the worst he could have landed on. Anger flaring up was a common failing of his, he knew, and while he did try to rein it in, it had again blinded him a bit. He would have to do better, to seek Bucky out and actually talk with him, listen to him and not draw conclusions based on words that weren’t quite as unambiguous as he’d first thought.

He worked for a few hours at the HQ that morning, sifting through the intelligence and discussing potential routes they could take when heading out, before Colonel Phillips told him to take the rest of the day and the next off and rest properly, so that he’d be in full form once they needed to go. Steve obeyed with perhaps less protestations than he usually would have, he was always keen to be part of every phase of the mission, starting with the early planning, but by now he was ready to find Bucky, and having some leave gave him more time for their talk.

“Keep your temper,” Peggy told him when he said goodbyes to her, but smiled encouragingly as well.

On the way out Steve idly considered where he might find Bucky. It was just past midday, which meant he might have been at lunch, but being on the leave meant the team usually followed a less regular schedule. Steve was hungry, though, so he resolved to find something to eat first, and then go to the quarters the Commandos had been assigned to see if Bucky was there.

Stepping out his plans came to a halt, because from the corner of his eye he caught sight of someone leaning against the wall, and even before turning to properly look at him Steve knew it was Bucky. He was smoking, and to most people, he probably would have appeared relaxed and casual, but Steve understood Bucky’s body language even now that he was continuously more tense than he’d ever been at home, and he saw the definite nervousness in the way Bucky had positioned himself and how he was tapping the fingers of his free hand against the wall he was leaning on.

Steve summoned a smile when Bucky pushed himself away from the wall, because he wanted to reassure Bucky who seemed to get immediately tenser as he saw him. It wasn’t as difficult as he would have expected just a moment earlier, because he was now relieved Bucky had sought him out. It meant that they both wanted to talk, and were perhaps coming with a similar mindset to it, which would hopefully make the whole thing at least a little bit easier.

“I was hoping to catch you at lunchtime,” Bucky said as he fell into step beside Steve.

“I’m done for the day, and the colonel told me not to come back tomorrow either. I could definitely eat, though.”

“When can you not,” Bucky said, and there was an air of fondness in his voice, very familiar but it suddenly struck Steve anew, because it was the first time Bucky had sounded like this when it came to something to do with Steve’s new body. It felt like an acknowledgment, and Steve was unreasonably pleased by it.

They bought some sandwiches and Bucky followed without comment when Steve led them back to his quarters. They didn’t talk much on the way, everything Steve wanted to say were things he didn’t want to talk about where people might overhear, and it was probably the same for Bucky. It started to rain again as they walked, a steady drizzle that was mostly annoying at first but would soak through if they had to stay in it for much longer. Luckily they were very close to Steve’s lodgings already.

“They were terribly sorry for giving me a room out of the way like this,” Steve said when they climbed up the narrow stairs that led to his room. “I really don’t mind, because I can’t hear anyone through the walls, it’s pretty rare for me these days.” Since they’d reconnected Steve had become cautious of casual remarks about things that had changed in him, because Bucky had seemed less than thrilled about it even before the outburst two days earlier, but now Steve felt hopeful it wouldn’t be like that anymore, and was proved right.

“Guess it’s a price to pay for being able to hear the Nazis well before they walk on top of us,” Bucky just said, easily as anything. “Cozy,” he commented then, seeing Steve’s room, which was small but definitely luxurious compared to sleeping in foxholes.

“At least there’s no team that snores in here,” Steve said.

“That is a good point.”

Steve gestured Bucky to take the only chair in the room, seating himself at the foot of the bed. They divided the sandwiched and for a moment they just ate. Steve was ravenous by now, and while he really wanted to talk with Bucky, even more so now that he was hopeful it would go better than he’d expected, he also didn’t quite know where to start unraveling the tangle, and so the momentary pause was welcome. It didn’t feel right to be eating while having a serious discussion, either.

Soon, though, the sandwiches were gone, and Steve still hadn’t decided how to start. Bucky took the burden of leading from him, after fidgeting for a few moments, folding up the paper that had been wrapped around the sandwiches, smoothing out the greases. He finally looked up to Steve, his eyes determined and sincere.

“I’m sorry for what I said there at the airfield. I didn’t really mean it the way it came out. I was tired but that’s no excuse, I should have taken a moment to think of my words rather than just letting them out as it was. It’s been hard, and confusing sometimes,” Bucky said, his voice softening as he glanced down, “but honestly, I’m glad you’re healthy and able, that you can now reach for what you want. I still wish you were safe, but not because I don’t trust you here, I just would want all of us to be safe if it was possible.” Bucky shook his head. “I’m rambling. Just, I’m sorry.”

Steve almost reached out to touch Bucky to reassure him, but considering their almost complete lack of physical contact beyond the first moments after reconnecting, he thought better of it, and just tried to convey his sincerity when he answered. “It’s okay, I think I understand. I was pointed out that our experiences were almost opposite, I came here to find you, while you had to get used to me being here in comparative danger. It makes sense, and I get what you meant just now too. If I could choose, I’d want this war never to have happened, I’d want the Nazis and Hydra never to have existed.”

Bucky smiled now, clearly in relief, before it turned just a bit sly. “Was it Carter who talked some sense into you?” At Steve’s nod he continued, “Good. And the boys very definitely told me to come and talk to you, because our team needs to function, which is true.”

“I know. I had decided to come find you after my duties today, but I was glad you had the same idea, made it easier.”

Steve grinned at Bucky, almost giddy with relief now. They weren’t even close to being done, they needed to make sure they’d avoid similar incidents in the future, but he now knew they were going to be okay, at least their friendship was, which was the most important part. He still wanted to pick apart what Bucky actually thought about his change, and that might end up with painful revelations to him, but he’d be able to handle it knowing that the foundation of their relationship that didn’t rely on the physical side of it, was as solid as ever. With the thought, he decided to plunge forward again, to take up the matter of his change, and of Bucky’s change for that matter, because while he didn’t look that different, Steve knew his insides had been shaken up just as badly as his had been.

Again, though, Bucky beat him to the topic. “I have to ask, on the airfield, you said you used to wonder when going up the stairs whether your heart would give up. Was that, did you just say it or did you actually think it might?”

Steve leaned back against the wall, looking up to the ceiling to gather his thoughts, before finding Bucky’s eyes again as he spoke. “Remember that specialist in the hospital, a few years ago?”

“The one who said there wasn’t anything in particular that you could do but to find a healthier place to live?”

Steve snorted at the memory. “As if I could have. Anyway, he couldn’t help, but he told me that he believed the rheumatic fever had weakened my heart so badly that it was bound to give up fairly soon. He guessed it would happen before I was 25, so when I signed up with the Army I was already living on borrowed time. This winter might have done it.” Bucky let out a sound at the admission, anguished, and Steve’s chest felt constricted almost in an old familiar way. “Maybe I should have told you, but we already knew the risks even without certainties like that, and there was nothing to be done, so.” Steve shrugged.

Bucky stared at him for a few seconds, silent, before getting up and taking the few steps needed to reach the bed and throwing himself down to sit next to Steve, not in contact but close, and it was even better when he reached his hand to where Steve’s was resting between them, and hooked their pinkies together. 

“I used to, on nights when everything was horrible and I couldn’t sleep, think of you in New York. I made little hopes up, that since there were more jobs it probably was easier for you to get by, maybe you could do some art again, make some money with it. It helped me back then, and after I knew it couldn’t be true I resented it. It was wrong of me, but it was hard to not have that anymore. But I’m getting over it, and you know, even when it’s horrible a lot of the time, I’m still glad to spent time with you. And now I’m really glad you’re not about to keel over from exertion.”

Steve turned his palm up and took a hold of Bucky’s hand. “Well —”

“Shut up,” Bucky interrupted him. “I know there are jokes to be made about every other kind of danger we meet, but leave those to the guys for now.”

“Yeah, okay.” Steve looked at Bucky who’d turned back toward the window, apparently peering at the rain. “I didn’t really understand it from your point of view before, and it made me jump into wrong kinds of conclusions,” Steve said, needing Bucky to know. “I’ll try to do better from now on. And I’m really glad for every moment I get with you. I worried, after you’d signed up, that when you were gone I might never see you again, not because of the danger you’d be in, but my heart giving out in the meantime.”

“Well, here we are,” Bucky said, squeezing Steve’s hand. “I don’t think I said, thanks for finding me, even if your rescue mission was completely harebrained.”

“I definitely didn’t have resources for anything you’d consider sensible,” Steve said easily, and Bucky grinned. “And you don’t have to thank me, nothing else I could have done as soon as I found out.”

They fell quiet again, and Steve just enjoyed the closeness with Bucky, the contact of their hands that was very innocent compared to what they’d gotten up to in the past, but it was enough for now, there was no need to push forward for a while at least. Bucky appeared to be as relaxed as he was, listing slightly closer until he was leaning on Steve, shoulder to shoulder, even though he wasn’t really looking at him now.

“I was jealous, when we arrived at the base that first time,” Bucky said, not looking at Steve, “not of you, though. I was happy people had finally seen your worth. I was jealous of all those other people taking your time, and it’s probably awful of me, to feel like I was entitled to it, but. Couldn’t help wanting to tell them I was there first.”

Steve laughed at the vehemence in Bucky’s tones, the joy bubbling in his stomach. “You were the first,” he confirmed, and when Bucky finally looked him in the eyes, he continued, “You still are. Always.”

Steve hadn’t expected the surprise he saw in Bucky, nor the question, “Really? Even now?” It took him a moment to figure out that Bucky had feared he’d move on now that there were other people who considered him attractive. It was a rare show of uncertainty from Bucky, and Steve wanted to reassure him, but he also wanted to smack him on the head in exasperation. This explained a lot of things about Bucky’s behavior, including the thread of resentment he’d detected before, and now that he’d gotten to the bottom of things he decided to throw caution in the wind.

Steve shifted and grabbed at Bucky’s collar, pulling him close, their noses touching and breaths mingling. “Yes, really,” he said, and saw the happiness bloom in Bucky’s eyes. He kissed Bucky then, firm and thorough, and for a moment it felt disorienting because it was new, they fit together in a different way, but Steve pushed through it, focused on Bucky’s taste and scent, let him fill his awareness as he had so many times before, and soon the differences stopped mattering, because everything that was important was still the same, because Bucky kissed him just as eagerly as he ever had.

Steve pulled away finally, just because he wanted to look at Bucky, who was delightfully flushed and looked just as happy as Steve was. When Bucky opened his eyes and smiled at him Steve shook his head, still in exasperation.

“I can’t believe you thought I wouldn’t care about you anymore.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve learned my lesson,” Bucky said, but he was still smiling, finally the cares he’d been carrying seeming to fade a bit farther away at least. There were still dark shadows under his eyes, but Steve hoped that maybe it would be better the next morning. It was still early afternoon, though, and while they would have to go out again for dinner later, he knew exactly what he wanted to do over the next few hours. The fact that his room was well out of the way of curious ears was even more of a boon now.

“Are you sure you have learned, though?” Steve asked, biting his lip and sliding his hand down the front of Bucky’s shirt. “Because I have a few things in mind that could reinforce the lesson.”

Bucky’s slow smile touched Steve right in the core, making desire curl in his stomach, and he was already reaching to pull Bucky to him when he said, “Maybe I could use a reminder, then.”

Bucky pushed into Steve’s space, and they tumbled down on the bed laughing until it became impossible because they were kissing instead.

* * *

In the morning Steve woke up on the floor next to Bucky, because the bed had been just too small for both of them. At least there were two mattresses, even if thin, and once they’d tipped the bed against the wall there was just enough space to put them side by side on the floor. It wasn’t the most comfortable bed Steve had ever slept in, but it wasn’t anywhere near the worst, either. Bucky had stayed, which made it just about the best ever.

Bucky was still sleeping, and Steve took his chance to just look at him without being distracted. The shadows under Bucky’s eyes were still there, albeit fainter than the previous day, and it was terribly obvious how much thinner he was now compared to when he’d left New York. Steve wished Bucky could be safe, he was happy they were together, and those sentiments mixed up with the complicated situation they were in. He knew there would be hard and horrible days ahead, there’d be fear and suffering, there’d be danger and no guarantee of making it through.

All of that would happen, all of it would be there waiting once they headed back to the field, but for now he pushed it away. They had at least one more day here in the city, and everything was good once more between them. Their relationship was as solid as it had ever been, perhaps even more so, and Steve meant to enjoy this reprieve.

Just then Bucky woke up, perfectly in time with Steve’s thoughts, and it was easy to let himself be pulled down into a kiss of good morning.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Other than here, you can find me on [dreamwidth](https://stellahibernis.dreamwidth.org/), [twitter](https://twitter.com/stellahibernis/status/1167871400540954624), or [tumblr](https://stellahibernis.tumblr.com/post/187400964632/how-much-can-you-change-and-get-away-with).


End file.
